from the Synaesthesia Journals
it's about light. INTEGERS an inchworm stretching or a snake (NOT a caterpillar in shadow) puffing out from 0 like a black hole! sexy negative numbers enticing added to themselves they are less in the blackness ~ they are tarnished silver!! (OH too many!) pink pools of light in afternoon bedroom windowsills The Universe in both directions. what it looks like & what it is what it looks like and what it is purple tunnels purple tunnels my breath - and each contraction of my chest is a flower blooming and a petal of silence PURPLE PURPLE purple pain & arms around my shoulders (I've always liked arms.) way to describe numbers. spiraling into infinity? . don't think. ------------------------------------------------------------------ white .numbers. negative is silver beyond zero, the blackest black. ( and silver ------- small & perfect -12 -11 -9 -8 -7 -6 -5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 -- 0 -- like a jewel black on black the terrible sweetness the moon & all things open to interpretation as all things .OPEN. º bamboo raindrop grace º the velvet shoes that no longer fit º ( how it is & how it will be how it is. and how it will be. what it looks like and what it is ) 4. )*( too much. snowblind, butterfly angels ~ kale. yellow doorstep, damp mat * spoke too soon jumbled syntax, always been. dyslexia of the mind, or a brain fashioned for a forgotten tongue. (maybe left-handed's to blame) a dark light turns silver to gold 1. increase into space 2. into whiteness: motes of light fall into black & the change comes. above numbers more than a line ---- an organism, like mitochondria. or a drop of rain. the ends can't be seen negative to 9 positive to 100 others called into existence ((DREAM NUMBERS)) numbers along a path dark charcoal or black part of its surroundings like a trail, not a sidewalk everything relates to everything else ~~ like a hologram or a weaving ~ each thread weaving in & out over & around the rest vanishing point can't see the other side numbers don't stand alone - all numbers are part of a continuum, they stand only in relation to other numbers years exist only in relation to other years. perspective on, say, 1940, varies depending on where it's viewed from. 1940 is different viewed from 2002 than it is from 1972. but all part of the same continuum.
under each camellia leaf a universe of time & experience. time in the darkness. butterfly feet in the dream in the dream it was awake _______________________________ the spark in the lock .each one. the darkness lit by the spark the feel of the gleam dusty slats, back of maple
EDGES an ion, or eucalyptus smoke in the chimney the raveled edge of blackness cut velvet. the wind-frayed raven wing poised on grasstops shifts back into silent strata the black edge of yellow the brown velvet scent of pine-smoked tea monarch butterflies in the white camellias. candy cigarettes & plastic motorcycles & the green green grass shards of memory light. the forgotten beginning. pink pink daylight through naptime camellias & old buttons turning to dust below the sash. concrete donkeys painted bright! fences. finding it. getting it to come. coming to it. valleys of thought, rivers of light, neural rainbows! & it's always been. colored scent & textured dreams. purplebrown sex on a saturday afternoon by the river of shadow. this is what the angels see - white falling into blackness. dissolve into numbers. particles of white dissolve to black. numbers emanate. ENERGY, black black energy, or maybe a black hole. 0 steady. beginning & end. too much, too much, too much, too much. like the fat numbers again, terrifying in their plumpness, in the black eyeswirl. the comfort of zero, the taste of black & silver. tiny numbers. i remember what came before. little boxes of time. tunnels of weeks & days & noontime alleys with chrome. milkglass fantasies. time sashaying through golden glasslight & coming out pure. the green glass candydish with the butterscotch wrappers, on the mediterranean table with black iron handles. solid as vision or thought ~ only what is in the moment. in the moment. again, again, in the moment. lost in the middle of the tunnel of time. There is no present or future ~ only the past happening over and over again ~ now. ~eugene o'neill "Just as the sun shines through a glass - as though divested of body & substance - so the stars penetrate one another in the body. For the sun and the moon and all planets, as well as all the stars and the whole chaos are in man... the body attracts heaven." ~ Paracelsus thick. thick light. thickkk. purple is brown is purple = 0. mixing colors with hands, with eyes, with heart. with the memory of what was before, and never was. reaching for it. calling it home. time&spacetunnels. came first. millionth-second: a veil of magnetic blackness between two points. time's form reveals its essence. the essence intertwines with the form. time unveils its form. the essence expressed. time dances within itself. the path & the journey are one. time's essence is its form. the cloud is the rain, the action is the thought, every particle is a universe of time. "It is possible to tell by the shape, form, and color, the qualities and virtues of each herb and root; these are their signs....and the same is true of silver and gold. Nature also forges man, now a gold man, now a silver man, now a fig man, now a bean man." ~ Paracelsus. mexican flowers. the crying Oaxacan mask on red cloth on the wall of the silver Airstream heading south. grapes in a plastic bowl. rattlesnake & sweet creosote bushes beside the highway morning. the smell of the sun. (DREAM ALCHEMY) the alchemy of dreams the color of knowledge the color of history the color of time of the path & the sphere of plane & dimension the color of the source the hue of the creation in a bluegreen eye the dream of your eyes in mine. the light under the maple tree, the moss in the grass. black mailbox with a red flag. always been always been. pale carport dirt on my hands. basement paint, workbench, vise. the smell of hot sawdust on the blade. the window we didn't use. where it all flowed from, where it all went. the yellow light and thick pink paint. boxes & forgotten corners only I knew. the fuse behind the door, lonely window. upstairs thick mexican glass & green velvet. iron & glasslight, dark screens. seattle sunshine through glass fruit in a maple bowl. what everything is, and was, and will be. butterfly canopy & everything white, but shadows were my dream. caterpillar shadows & holly; deodara & oregon grape. the fuschia in the eaves. all shadow, moist, real. your eyes. I'd never seen your eyes. bluegreen & brown & gray. the colors of us. what we make together. what it's always been before we knew, and what it is now. ((when the moon fades to blue.)) age ten, hidden poems, secret books. time's motionless under the bed. time. like numbers, dark is closer to zero & infinity ~ they braid themselves into one. past zero, "the blackest black" time stands still, or moves backwards into itself. ouroboros
Kali. gradations of energy. a dove, or black rain. ashes. summer shadows ~ the surprise beneath the leaf. grace. time's form reveals its essence. 1. shadows 2. path 3. truth 4. hologram 5. green (black & white) 6. accordion 7. gradations 8. magnetic 9. ( ) particles. blooms. fallen. beauty. surrounded. inside. time observed from within. last August my sight changed. traffic lights are bluegreen. sunlight's more saturated. light oozes from everything, even the rain, the grey pavement, typing paper. the space between blades of grass is blue.
time's a hawk diving across the hood of a speeding car. some angels. particles of love. your eyes, dreams made flesh ! green flecks in brown. meaning less. magnetic freedom pieces of it. each piece the whole. or ayin. imagine deep purple impressions in earth, black gaps in white marble. shade at the crumbling edges of old sidewalks. sand. blueberries in the backseat, pink toes. antique pencils, & watercolors cracked in the tin. painted ducks. dark green shadows. Yah YHVH Tseva'ot....created the universe in three ciphers: boundary, language, and number. Ten sefirot belimah - numerals of nothingness, entities of emptiness. Ten sefirot belimah, corresponding to the ten fingers, five opposite five, with the covenant of oneness precisely in the middle. Ten sefirot belimah. Their number is ten, yet infinite. Their end is their beginning, their beginning their end, like a flame joined to a burning coal. Ten sefirot belimah. A vision flashing like lightning. Their limit has no end. ~~ from the Sefir Yetsirah (3rd-6th centuries) "their beginning their end, like a flame joined to a burning coal" infinitely small & infinitely large are one. the beginning of time, the end of it. a circle, a cycle, a totality, a truth. a cell and a universe are contained in each other. each is whole. it flows out of itself blunt velvet purpled. in the small morning light blooms in pieces. mushrooms a bite of blackness ~ torn. like meat. like meat on the bone. conception of a fossil, fossil time, fossil grave. each particle of dirt is a grave! we live on the peril & grace of our ancestors. their time & ours is pure black, infinitely small & immense. the skull in a cardboard box in the garage carries time in its empty crania. we all eat time. color blooms from no color (("The earth is black, brown...but all the hues - green, blue, white, and red - are concealed in it....the noblest and most delicate colors arise from this black." ~ Paracelsus.)) 0 is black. the numbers spill from it along a black path ~ black tinged with the colors of the integers, each set of tens, of hundreds, of thousands, millions, trillions, the color of the infinite white~black. 0-black is the mother of time, of no-time, of color, number, of no-number it's the single cell it exists always & nowhere & only when seen it's the slit of light in the screen, the womb, the place you don't remember, the place that's always there. the place long gone & fossilized in the ridges of your skull. every skull. (0 is australopithecine moonlight) 0 is the fire in the cave. 0 . the place you drown. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
time & space conceptions of the body the dimensions & perceptions of the body exist in space, are formed from within & without. dark purple dimensions of body systems. lips, throat, toes. elbows & eyelids. shivers. the curve of thighs, the heart, red blood cells. a virus. lungs, spine, vertebrae, uterus. too many to name. each has a shape apart from its observable form. shape & texture & color. viruses like prickly round pods. arteries on the left, or body's right, reaching toward the heart. circulation spiraling toward the feet. light green, nothing blue. the thought of blood blue beneath the skin. ova in a smooth pod, like fresh peas. waiting. the spine silvery grey, alive, almost like a mind. intestines like smooth, supple madrona skin. breasts mysterious, tender ripe fruit. not so. the hidden labyrinths of the mind, neurons. neurons behind the forehead, incomprehensible unmeasureable time. the red & orange ocular pathways, and blue. the back of the eye a part of the brain. nose brings offerings to the mind ~ scent the most potent perception. perceptions shape the body. the body shapes the perception. all of it, again. [more on this later, too tired, not making sense] * dream in circles like when I close my eyes. tight. the smooth surfaces of the sacred. adobe dwelling in a dream. blessed to spend the night there. terracotta & buff & sand white. the colors of desert light. when everyone else left I was alone there, the smooth waterwashed surfaces, no corners, just love. ultimate peace. a building within a dark building, but this was light. the next morning i watched myself die and it was fine. after night in round adobe kiva peace, everything's right. someone else given the shark, it's okay, it's okay. left alone in adobe, there's a reason. the way the light reaches polished sloping surfaces, even at night. desert in the city. a spiritual place in a jewelry shop! where they sold shark pendants, wanted one so badly but it was given to someone else. but i was the one spent the night in the sacred place, chosen. it chose me, i was the one left after the others were gone. anointed with bliss. no silver, no blackness, just the colors of light & rounded edges. comfort. how i never knew it could be. when i close my eyes tight, dark green and burgundy & purples. streaks of silver. black eyeswirl. the patterns love me & i love them. something my own. the place fat numbers float other times. my own headspace, universe. what i think of in the universe. further back in my mind, but in this same place, the small conception of it, in the abstract. lightspeed & distance to the moon live there. spacecraft, sometimes (from earth only). a narrow slice of the galaxy. can't see the sun, mars way off upper edge. in the deep distance, hubble photographs of gaseous pillars in the eagle nebula. much further back, every small thing, deep into blackness, and the first impossible moments of our universe. further, what there was before. before the big bang, before time as we understand it. blackness & the absence of it. a dark, transparent black. [getting abstract here, need to come back to detail]. [daydreaming, thinking of the quality of my writing - or lack of it! and about organizing my notes. maybe time to quit for the night, can't concentrate. earlier tonight thought of time/space conceptions of the body for the first time, hadn't realized before, consciously anyway, that I do this. I imagine interior parts & systems of the body in particular ways, often these conceptions are independent of the part or system's actual form. Though body parts are not abstractions like time or numbers, they are abstract in the sense that they are not visible, or at least my own are not visible (of course you can see them in xrays & photos of other people but it's not the same). How when someone says, for example, "cigarette smoke is bad for your lungs' I think of my lungs in an abstract way. more of a feeling & a shape than their actual form. the shape image I get when I hear 'lungs' probably does not correspond to the actual shape/size of lungs. (I think it's bigger than it should be & composed mostly of my textural & spacial idea of lungs). ] maybe should make a list: time (in many different units) numbers (in many different units ~ & even including the tv channel lineup) body parts space (in many different views) geography there must be others as well. so integral to who i am, it's hard to separate it. all just 'normal' to me. *** a new list: time (in many different units) numbers (in many different units ~ & even including the tv channel lineup) body space/the universe (in many different views) geography height weight distance mythological figures & places brain. yellow shadows. sleep. cavemen. seizures when I was a child. different. ((eeg wires & glue. blood draw. oh don't! phenobarbital. pillbox. electrical storm. left-handed. mind faster than the mouth. scared to talk in public. so shy. remembering shadows. remembering things no one else does. ((dream? I know it was real! strange allergies. sleep til 4. willing. night terrors in high school & college. fat numbers in space. hominid crania in my hands. memories of emotions lost in haze. tequila manias. blackout. coming out of it. panic attack spin. meditate. synaesthesia. ((color, time, numbers, music, abstract ~~ synaesthesia.