These notes came directly from my journals ~
they are ramblings on my tendency to see time,
numbers and other non-tangibles as having form,
texture, color. They are here exactly as they are
in the journals. Thoughts, as written in a small
notebook ~ thus the short lines. Each large
number followed by perhaps a dozen words was
on a separate page. The words in those lists don’t
necessarily go together, they are just words/images
I associate with each number. Many of them are
strongly associated with age.The centering reflects
my love of symmetry, & seems especially
appropriate for the
notes on numbers. Everything here is unedited.
[Brackets] mean there is a small
drawing which
is not reproducible in this text document.
02.20.02 ((synaesthesia)) only the truth blue shadows lines & swirls aching purple spin. rose afternoon integers curve into eternity to infinity past zero, the blackest black numbers are both black & white black particles from blackness absolute zero black ascend dissolve into white infinity infinite love. infinity is the future I am at 7 looking back 10 was magical when I was 7 and at 3 I was happy INTEGERS an inchworm stretching or a snake (NOT a caterpillar in shadow) beginning level (10) then a little incline 11 a gentle curve past 11 12 ((how I feel about nos.)) 13 their personalities 14 curving up to 60, 100 thicker, but less solid than digits puffing out from 0 like a black hole! sexy negative numbers enticing added to themselves they are less in the blackness ~ they are tarnished silver!! OH too many! pink pools of light in afternoon bedroom windowsills 02.21.02 The Universe in both directions. --- (another day - undated) what it looks like & what it is an owl by the oak beam over the painted indigo wall. what it looks like and what it is purple tunnels purple tunnels my breath - and each contraction of my chest is a flower blooming and a petal of silence PURPLE PURPLE purple pain & arms around my shoulders i've always liked arms. there's nothing I can say. way to describe numbers. spiraling into infinity? . don't think. ------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------ white .numbers. negative is silver beyond zero, the blackest black. ( and silver ------- small & perfect -12 -11 -9 -8 -7 -6 -5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 -- 0 -- like a jewel black on black the terrible sweetness the moon & all things open to interpretation as all things .OPEN. 1. black 8, 9, 10 ---- forgotten 11 - coming out of shadows. ten breaks. 19 is good on the edge sleep shakes my body. (( wet hair. pink skin. the fall of hair against my back so long. )) how it is & how it will be how it is. and how it will be. what it looks like and what it is. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- the velvet shoes that no longer fit ------------------------------------------------------------- bamboo grace bamboo raindrop grace _____________________________________________________ 10. * dragonfly wings bamboo leaf snow amber ear sing * 3. ( blossom smile pretend purple & red pennies cups green sleep . wonder us 5, * rhododendron magic ? shade between & climbing roses candy ) plastic elephants ) thunder & rain 7. *) mystery shadow geology acorn sunlight ravine | . | what will be . feathers in the backyard & grass butterflies 9. ? gleaming banister & mahogany halls (what's to come) dreams come in yellow & pink & green 8. *** pancakes mapleleaf ---- siamese fur in sunlight dreams of me dead robins in shoebox dirt ( mountain ash berries in August light 4. )*( too much. snowblind, or butterfly angels ~ kale. yellow doorstep damp mat * missing no.s MISSING NUMBERS [symbol for infinity] [symbol for pi] 0 [square root symbol] x / . --- (*) spoke too soon jumbled syntax, always been. dyslexia of the mind, or a brain fashioned for a forgotten tongue. "a dark light turns silver to gold" 1. increase into space 2. into whiteness: motes of light fall into black & the change comes. above numbers more than a line ---- an organism, like mitochondria. or a drop of rain. the ends can't be seen negative to 9 positive to 100 others called into edxistence ((DREAM NUMBERS)) schemata: time the day -- morning numbers afternoon temperature evening digits - basic line latenight each 100's the week x month x year x decades 1000 since birth 1,000,000 20th C 1,000,000,000 19... 18... 1700 1600 1500 CROMAGNON eras 40,000 AD NEANDERTAL BC HOMO ERECTUS HOMO HABILIS Pleistocene Ice Age MIOCENE GAP yellow-gold, sandy. African hills. - an hour - a minute - a sound - a fraction of a second (***see below) - a particular year numbers along a path dark charcoal or black part of its surroundings like a trail, not a sidewalk stops: 0 10 19 each decade 100 120 200 ------ 300 ------ each hundred 1000 10,000 100,000 1,000,000 billion trillion ---------- [symbol for infinity] everything relates to everything else ~~ like a holograph weaving in & out over & around everything else. [drawing of a mountain with a path around it, the ends of the path flying into infinity, with numbers plotted along the path] vanishing point can't see the other side numbers don't stand alone all numbers are part of a continuum, they stand only in relation to other numbers years exist only in relation to other years. perspective on, say, 1940, varies depending on where it's viewed from. 1940 is different viewed from 2002 than it is from 1972. but all part of the same continuum. under each camellia leaf a universe of time & experience. time in the darkness. [drawing of a big-small-fat 18] sometimes see big-small numbers expanding in space. tiny but FAT. -- feel panic-y. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [10 to the 24th power] powers of ten & other very large numbers appear grey/silver IN SPACE those numbers don't belong to earth but to the cosmos. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [drawing of a fraction second] fraction-second: two tiny grey? points with a tiny universe of blackness in betwen often think of them far back - left - in space. like vision of the big bang. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- butterfly feet [drawing of the universe, with earth, sun, moon, and a fraction-second to the far right. in between is notation: x 1,000,000 x (approx. the minimum distance that fraction-second is from us.)] 03.06.02 in the dream in the dream it was awake _______________________________ the spark in the lock pebbles masquerade as sand .each one. the darkness lit by the spark the feel of the gleam thumbskin dusty slats, back of maple EDGES an ion, or eucalyptus smoke in the chimney the ravel'd edge of night (ravel'd wing) the wind-frayed raven wing poised on grasstops shifts back into silent strata the jaw of the desert the black edge of yellow ("does it ever matter who fires the first shot?" - Cheyenne Autumn) the brown velvet scent of pine-smoked tea CANDY CIGARETTES & PLASTIC MOTORCYCLES & the green green grass TYRONE: It was long ago. But it seems like tonight. There is no present or future -- only the past happening over and over again -- now. You can't get away from it. ~ Eugene O'Neill, A Moon for the Misbegotten shards of memory light. the forgotten beginning. cry to remember. pink pink daylight through naptime camellias & old buttons turning to dust beneath the sash. concrete donkeys painted bright! fences. finding it. getting it to come. coming to it. valleys of thought, rivers of light, neural rainbows, neural rainbows! & it's always been. colored scent & textured dreams. purplebrown sex on a saturday afternoon by the river of shadow. this is what the angels see - white falling into blackness. dissolve into numbers. particles of white dissolve to black. numbers emanate. ENERGY, black black energy, or maybe a black hole. 0 steady. beginning & end. alpha/omega. smile/weep. too much, too much, too much, too much. like the fat numbers again, terrifying in their plumpness, in the black eyeswirl. the comfort of zero, the taste of black & silver. tiny numbers. i remember what came before. little boxes of time. tunnels of weeks & days & noontime alleys with chrome. milkglass fantasies. time sashaying through golden glasslight & coming out pure. the green glass candydish with the butterscotch wrappers, on the mediterranean table with black iron handles. solid as vision or thought ~ only what is in the moment. in the moment. again, again, in the moment. lost in the middle of the tunnel of time. There is no present or future ~ only the past happening over and over again ~ now. thick. thick light. thickkk. purple is brown is purple = 0. mixing colors with hands, with eyes, with heart. with the memory of what was before, and never was. reaching for it. calling it home. time&spacetunnels. came first. millionth-second: a veil of blackness between two points. (magnetic field) mexican flowers. the crying Oaxacan mask on red cloth on the wall of the silver Airstream heading south. textured golden-brown upholstery & yellow drawers of linens. aqua melamine (and coffee brown). grapes in a plastic bowl. weary grey. rattlesnake on the highway beside the creosote bushes in honeyed morning. (tucson, marana, baraja, picacho) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Just as the sun shines through a glass - as though divested of body & substance - so the stars penetrate one another in the body. For the sun and the moon and all planets, as well as all the stars and the whole chaos are in man...the body attracts heaven." ~ Paracelsus starnumbers "Nature is the sculptor, she endows every thing with the form which is also the essence, and thus the form reveals the essence." ~ Paracelsus "The earth is black, brown, and foul, there is nothing beautiful or pleasant in it; but all the hues - green, blue, white, and red - are concealed in it....the noblest and most delicate colors arise from this black." ~ Paracelsus. "It is our task to seek art, for without seeking it we shall never find the secrets of the world. Who can boast that a roast squab flies into his mouth? Or, that a grapevine runs after him? You must go to it yourself." ~ Paracelsus. "It is possible to tell by the shape, form, and color, and nothing more, the qualities and virtues of each herb and root; these are their signs.... Nature shapes the anatomy of a pear in such a way that the pear develops into a pear tree; and the same is true of silver and gold. Nature also forges man, now a gold man, now a silver man, now a fig man, now a bean man." ~ Paracelsus. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- spiritual alchemy chemical alchemy sexual alchemy the alchemy of flesh the alchemy of silence the alchemy of faith the alchemy of the empty the alchemy of love the alchemy of desire DREAM ALCHEMY the alchemy of dreams the color of knowledge the color of history the color of time of the path & the sphere of plane & dimension the color of the source the hue of the creation in a bluegreen eye the dream of your eyes in mine. the light under the maple tree, the moss in the grass. black mailbox with a red flag. always been always been. pale carport dirt mining rocks with the guidebook. basement paint, workbench, vise. the sawdust where the cat hid, and the smell of wood. Dad's hands. the window we didn't use. where it all flowed from, where it all went. the yellow light and thick pink paint. boxes & forgotten corners only I knew. the fuse behind the door, lonely window. upstairs thick green mexican glass & green velvet. iron & glasslight, dark screens. seattle sunshine through glass fruit in a maple bowl. what everything is, and was, and will be. butterfly canopy & everything white, but shadows were my dream. caterpillar shadows & holly, deodara & oregon grape. the fuschia in the eves. all shadow, moist, real. your eyes. I'd never seen your eyes. years slide away like summer days. bluegreen & brown & gray. the colors of us. what we make together. what it's always been before we knew, and what it is now. ((when the moon fades to blue.)) poems hidden under the bed ~ time's motionless there. when I say "it's dark under the bed" I mean "time's dark under the bed." time. like numbers, dark is closer to zero & infinity ~ they braid themselves into one. (zero, still. what we understand will be. 0 is black ~ past zero, "the blackest black" time stands still, or moves backwards into itself. 0 ~ ouroboros ~ 0 Kali, time & blackness & fierce wisdom ~ darkness incarnate. liberator, eternal mercy. sleep in the arms of darkness, sleep in time. no fear no fear. it comes to you. Caput Corvi