These notes came directly from my journals ~
they are ramblings on my tendency to see time,
numbers and other non-tangibles as having form,
texture, color. They are here exactly as they are
in the journals. Thoughts, as written in a small
notebook ~ thus the short lines. Each large
number followed by perhaps a dozen words was
on a separate page. The words in those lists don’t
necessarily go together, they are just words/images
I associate with each number. Many of them are
strongly associated with age.The centering reflects
my love of symmetry, & seems especially
appropriate for the
notes on numbers. Everything here is unedited.
[Brackets] mean there is a small
drawing which
is not reproducible in this text document.
02.20.02
((synaesthesia))
only the truth
blue shadows
lines & swirls
aching purple
spin.
rose afternoon
integers curve into eternity
to infinity
past zero, the blackest black
numbers are both black & white
black particles from blackness
absolute
zero
black
ascend
dissolve into white
infinity
infinite love.
infinity is the future
I am at 7
looking back
10 was magical
when I was
7
and at 3 I
was happy
INTEGERS
an inchworm stretching
or a snake
(NOT
a caterpillar
in shadow)
beginning level (10)
then a little incline 11
a gentle curve past 11 12
((how I feel about nos.)) 13
their personalities 14
curving up to 60, 100
thicker, but less solid
than digits
puffing out from 0
like a black hole!
sexy negative numbers
enticing
added to themselves they
are less
in the blackness ~
they are tarnished
silver!!
OH
too many!
pink
pools of
light
in afternoon
bedroom
windowsills
02.21.02
The Universe in both directions.
---
(another day - undated)
what it looks like
&
what it is
an owl by the
oak beam
over the
painted
indigo
wall.
what it looks like
and what it is
purple tunnels
purple tunnels
my breath -
and each contraction
of my chest
is a flower blooming
and a
petal of silence
PURPLE
PURPLE
purple pain
& arms around
my shoulders
i've always liked arms.
there's nothing
I can say.
way to describe
numbers. spiraling
into infinity?
. don't think.
------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------
white
.numbers.
negative is silver
beyond zero, the
blackest black.
( and silver -------
small & perfect
-12 -11 -9 -8 -7 -6 -5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
-- 0 --
like a jewel
black on black
the terrible sweetness
the moon
& all things
open to interpretation
as all things
.OPEN.
1.
black
8, 9, 10 ---- forgotten
11 - coming out of
shadows.
ten breaks.
19 is good
on the edge
sleep shakes my body.
(( wet hair.
pink skin.
the fall of hair against
my back
so long. ))
how it is & how it will be
how it is.
and how it will be.
what it looks like
and what it is.
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the velvet
shoes
that no longer fit
-------------------------------------------------------------
bamboo
grace bamboo
raindrop
grace
_____________________________________________________
10.
*
dragonfly
wings
bamboo
leaf
snow
amber
ear
sing
*
3.
(
blossom
smile
pretend
purple
&
red
pennies
cups
green
sleep
.
wonder
us
5,
*
rhododendron
magic
?
shade between
&
climbing roses
candy
)
plastic elephants
)
thunder
&
rain
7.
*)
mystery
shadow
geology
acorn
sunlight
ravine
|
.
|
what will be
.
feathers in the backyard
&
grass
butterflies
9.
?
gleaming
banister
&
mahogany
halls
(what's to come)
dreams
come in
yellow
&
pink
&
green
8.
***
pancakes
mapleleaf ----
siamese fur
in sunlight
dreams
of me
dead
robins
in
shoebox
dirt
(
mountain ash
berries
in
August
light
4.
)*(
too much.
snowblind,
or
butterfly
angels ~
kale.
yellow
doorstep
damp
mat
*
missing
no.s
MISSING NUMBERS
[symbol for infinity]
[symbol for pi]
0
[square root symbol]
x
/
.
---
(*)
spoke too soon
jumbled syntax,
always been.
dyslexia of the mind,
or a brain fashioned for
a forgotten tongue.
"a dark light turns silver
to gold"
1. increase into space
2. into whiteness: motes of light
fall into black & the change
comes. above numbers
more than a line ----
an organism,
like mitochondria.
or a drop of rain.
the ends can't be seen
negative to 9
positive to 100
others called into edxistence
((DREAM NUMBERS))
schemata: time
the day -- morning
numbers afternoon
temperature evening
digits - basic line latenight
each 100's the week
x month
x year
x decades
1000 since birth
1,000,000 20th C
1,000,000,000 19...
18...
1700
1600
1500
CROMAGNON eras
40,000 AD
NEANDERTAL BC
HOMO ERECTUS
HOMO HABILIS Pleistocene
Ice Age
MIOCENE GAP yellow-gold, sandy. African hills.
- an hour
- a minute
- a sound
- a fraction of a second (***see below)
- a particular year
numbers along a path
dark charcoal or black
part of its surroundings
like a trail, not a sidewalk
stops:
0 10 19
each decade
100 120
200 ------ 300 ------ each hundred
1000
10,000 100,000
1,000,000
billion
trillion
---------- [symbol for infinity]
everything relates to everything else ~~
like a holograph
weaving in & out
over & around
everything else.
[drawing of a mountain with a path around it, the ends of the path flying into infinity, with numbers plotted along the path]
vanishing point
can't see the other side
numbers don't stand alone all numbers are part of a continuum, they stand only in relation to other numbers
years exist only in relation to other years.
perspective on, say, 1940, varies depending on where it's viewed from. 1940 is different viewed from 2002 than it is from 1972.
but all part of the same continuum.
under each camellia leaf a universe of time & experience.
time in the darkness.
[drawing of a big-small-fat 18] sometimes see big-small numbers expanding in space. tiny but FAT. -- feel panic-y.
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[10 to the 24th power] powers of ten & other very large numbers appear grey/silver
IN SPACE
those numbers don't belong to earth but to the cosmos.
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[drawing of a fraction second] fraction-second:
two tiny grey? points with a tiny universe of blackness in betwen
often think of them far back - left - in space. like vision of the big bang.
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butterfly
feet
[drawing of the universe, with earth, sun, moon, and a fraction-second to the far right.
in between is notation: x 1,000,000 x (approx. the minimum distance that fraction-second is from us.)]
03.06.02
in the dream
in the dream it was awake
_______________________________
the spark in the lock
pebbles masquerade as sand
.each one.
the darkness lit by the spark
the feel of the gleam
thumbskin
dusty slats,
back of maple
EDGES
an ion,
or eucalyptus
smoke
in the chimney
the ravel'd edge of night (ravel'd wing)
the wind-frayed raven wing
poised on grasstops
shifts
back
into silent strata
the jaw of the desert
the black edge of yellow
("does it ever matter who fires the first shot?" - Cheyenne Autumn)
the brown velvet scent of
pine-smoked tea
CANDY CIGARETTES
&
PLASTIC MOTORCYCLES
&
the green green grass
TYRONE: It was long ago. But it seems like tonight. There is no present or future -- only the past happening over and over again
-- now. You can't get away from it. ~ Eugene O'Neill, A Moon for the Misbegotten
shards of memory light. the forgotten beginning.
cry to remember. pink pink daylight through naptime camellias & old buttons turning to dust beneath the sash.
concrete donkeys painted bright!
fences.
finding it. getting it to come. coming to it. valleys of thought, rivers of light, neural rainbows, neural rainbows!
& it's always been. colored scent & textured dreams. purplebrown sex on a saturday afternoon by the river of shadow.
this is what the angels see - white falling into blackness. dissolve into numbers. particles of white dissolve to black.
numbers emanate. ENERGY, black black energy, or maybe a black hole. 0 steady. beginning & end. alpha/omega. smile/weep.
too much, too much, too much, too much. like the fat numbers again, terrifying in their plumpness, in the black eyeswirl.
the comfort of zero, the taste of black & silver. tiny numbers.
i remember what came before.
little boxes of time. tunnels of weeks & days & noontime alleys with chrome. milkglass fantasies. time sashaying through
golden glasslight & coming out pure. the green glass candydish with the butterscotch wrappers, on the mediterranean
table with black iron handles. solid as vision or thought ~ only what is in the moment. in the moment. again, again, in
the moment. lost in the middle of the tunnel of time.
There is no present or future ~ only the past happening over and over again ~ now.
thick.
thick light. thickkk. purple is brown is purple = 0. mixing colors with hands, with eyes, with heart. with the memory
of what was before, and never was. reaching for it. calling it home.
time&spacetunnels.
came first.
millionth-second: a veil of blackness between two points. (magnetic field)
mexican flowers. the crying Oaxacan mask on red cloth on the wall of the silver Airstream heading south.
textured golden-brown upholstery & yellow drawers of linens. aqua melamine (and coffee brown).
grapes in a plastic bowl.
weary grey.
rattlesnake on the highway beside the creosote bushes in honeyed morning.
(tucson, marana, baraja, picacho)
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"Just as the sun shines through a glass - as though divested of body & substance - so the stars penetrate
one another in the body. For the sun and the moon and all planets, as well as all the stars and the whole
chaos are in man...the body attracts heaven." ~ Paracelsus
starnumbers
"Nature is the sculptor, she endows every thing with the form which is also the essence, and thus the form
reveals the essence." ~ Paracelsus
"The earth is black, brown, and foul, there is nothing beautiful or pleasant in it; but all the hues - green, blue,
white, and red - are concealed in it....the noblest and most delicate colors arise from this black." ~ Paracelsus.
"It is our task to seek art, for without seeking it we shall never find the secrets of the world. Who can boast
that a roast squab flies into his mouth? Or, that a grapevine runs after him? You must go to it yourself." ~ Paracelsus.
"It is possible to tell by the shape, form, and color, and nothing more, the qualities and virtues of each herb
and root; these are their signs.... Nature shapes the anatomy of a pear in such a way that the pear develops into
a pear tree; and the same is true of silver and gold. Nature also forges man, now a gold man, now a silver
man, now a fig man, now a bean man." ~ Paracelsus.
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spiritual alchemy
chemical alchemy
sexual alchemy
the alchemy of flesh
the alchemy of silence
the alchemy of faith
the alchemy of the empty
the alchemy of love
the alchemy of desire
DREAM ALCHEMY
the alchemy of dreams
the color of knowledge
the color of history
the color of time
of the path & the sphere
of plane & dimension
the color of the source
the hue of the creation
in a bluegreen eye
the dream of your eyes in mine.
the light under the maple tree, the moss in the grass. black mailbox with a red flag. always been
always been. pale carport dirt mining rocks with the guidebook. basement paint, workbench, vise.
the sawdust where the cat hid, and the smell of wood. Dad's hands. the window we didn't use.
where it all flowed from, where it all went. the yellow light and thick pink paint. boxes & forgotten
corners only I knew. the fuse behind the door, lonely window. upstairs thick green mexican glass &
green velvet. iron & glasslight, dark screens. seattle sunshine through glass fruit in a maple bowl. what
everything is, and was, and will be. butterfly canopy & everything white, but shadows were my
dream. caterpillar shadows & holly, deodara & oregon grape. the fuschia in the eves. all shadow,
moist, real. your eyes. I'd never seen your eyes.
years slide away like summer days.
bluegreen & brown & gray. the colors of us. what we make together. what it's always been before
we knew, and what it is now.
((when the moon fades to blue.))
poems hidden under the bed ~ time's motionless there.
when I say "it's dark under the bed" I mean "time's dark under the bed."
time. like numbers, dark is closer to zero & infinity ~ they braid themselves into one.
(zero, still. what we understand will be.
0 is black ~ past zero, "the blackest black" time stands still, or moves backwards into itself.
0 ~ ouroboros ~ 0
Kali, time & blackness & fierce wisdom ~ darkness incarnate. liberator, eternal mercy.
sleep in the arms of darkness, sleep in time. no fear no fear. it comes to you.
Caput Corvi