Denise Enck

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synaesthesia 1

These notes came directly from my journals ~
they are ramblings on my tendency to see time,
numbers and other non-tangibles as having form,
texture, color. They are here exactly as they are
in the journals. Thoughts, as written in a small
notebook ~ thus the short lines. Each large
number followed by perhaps a dozen words was
on a separate page. The words in those lists don’t
necessarily go together, they are just words/images
I associate with each number. Many of them are
strongly associated with age.The centering reflects
my love of symmetry, & seems especially
appropriate for the
notes on numbers. Everything here is unedited.
[Brackets] mean there is a small
drawing which
is not reproducible in this text document.


	02.20.02
				((synaesthesia))
			only the truth
			
			blue shadows

			lines & swirls

			aching purple

			spin.

			rose afternoon

			integers curve into eternity
				              to infinity


			past zero, the blackest black

numbers are both black & white
	black particles from blackness
		absolute
		     zero
		    black	
	  ascend
		dissolve into white
			infinity
			     infinite love.
	infinity is the future
	I am at 7
	        looking back

		10 was magical
		    when I was
		             7	
		      and at 3 I
 		     was happy

		      INTEGERS

			an inchworm stretching
			or a snake
			    (NOT
 			a caterpillar
			    in shadow)

			beginning level			(10)
			     then a little incline		  11  	
		               a gentle curve past 11		  12
		((how I feel about nos.))			  13
		       their personalities  			  14		

		curving up to 60, 100
		    thicker, but less solid
		           	than digits

		puffing out from 0
		      like a black hole!

		sexy negative numbers
			enticing
		     added to themselves they 
			are less
		        in the blackness ~
		            they are tarnished
				silver!!

			OH

	 		too many!

			
			pink
			     pools of 
			             light
			      in afternoon
			         bedroom 
				windowsills

	02.21.02
				The Universe in both directions.	


					---
	(another day - undated)


			what it looks like
			               &
			what it is


		an owl by the 
		        oak beam
		    over the 
		      painted
		        indigo
	                          wall.

	what it looks like 
	and what it is

	purple tunnels
	purple tunnels
                        my breath -
	and each contraction
	  of my chest
	is a flower blooming
	     and a
	        petal of silence

	        PURPLE
	        PURPLE

	purple pain
                        & arms around
                               my shoulders
	i've always liked arms.


	there's nothing
	I can say.

	way to describe
                   numbers. spiraling
                         into infinity?
                   . don't think.
------------------------------------------------------------------ 
------------------------------------------------------------------




	       white




		.numbers.

	negative is silver
	beyond zero, the
	     blackest black.
	( and silver -------
	   small & perfect

-12 -11 -9 -8 -7 -6 -5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

	        -- 0 --
	      like a jewel
                     black on black
		the terrible sweetness
	             the moon
	           & all things
                     open to interpretation
	           as all things

	           .OPEN.
	     

		1.

	              black




	8, 9, 10 ---- forgotten
	11 - coming out of
		    shadows.

	ten breaks.

		19 is good
		on the edge



	sleep shakes my body.

	(( wet hair.
	   pink skin.
	   the fall of hair against
		            my back
	      so long.   ))

	how it is & how it will be
	how it is.
	and how it will be.

	what it looks like
	and what it is.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
	the velvet
	      shoes 
	           that no longer fit
-------------------------------------------------------------

bamboo 
       grace 		 bamboo
			          raindrop
				     grace

_____________________________________________________

		10.

		 *
	            dragonfly
                                wings 

	             bamboo
		 leaf

		snow

	              amber
		
		ear

		sing

		*

		3.
		(

	           blossom
                               
	             smile

	           pretend

	            purple

		&
	              red

                          pennies
	              cups
	            green
	            sleep
		.
	           wonder

	               us


		5,
		*
                       rhododendron
	             magic

           		 ?

	    shade between 
		&
	    climbing roses

	            candy
		)
       	 plastic elephants 
                                )
                          thunder
		&
	              rain


		7.
		*)

		mystery
		shadow
		geology

		acorn
	              sunlight 
		ravine
		   |
		    .	
 		   |

	          what will be
		    .

	feathers in the backyard
		  & 
                               grass
 	           butterflies

		9.
		?

	          gleaming
                           banister
                                 &
	          mahogany
                               halls

                       (what's to come)

	             dreams
                             come in
                              yellow
                                   &
                                pink
                                   &
                               green
                          
		8.
	    ***
	           pancakes

	         mapleleaf ----

	          siamese fur
	             in sunlight
                                 dreams
                               of   me

                             dead
                                    robins
                                  in 
                               shoebox
                                    dirt
		      (
		mountain ash

			berries
			     in
			       August
			         light


		   4.
		)*(
		
	             too much.

	            snowblind,
		   or
	             butterfly
		angels ~

		kale.

	          yellow
		 doorstep

		damp
                                  mat

		 *


	           missing
	              no.s

	MISSING NUMBERS

	 [symbol for infinity]
	     [symbol for pi]    
		0
	[square root symbol]
		 x
		 /                                                      
		 .
		---
	           (*)	
 

                spoke too soon
	jumbled syntax,
	always been.
	dyslexia of the mind,
	or a brain fashioned for
	a forgotten tongue.


"a dark light turns silver
             to gold"

1.	increase into space
2. 	into whiteness: motes of light
	        fall into black & the change
                        comes. above numbers

	more than a line ----
                      an organism,
	      like mitochondria.
	      or a drop of rain.

the ends can't be seen

negative to 9
positive to 100
others called into edxistence
((DREAM NUMBERS))


schemata:			time
				the day -- morning
numbers				 afternoon
temperature				 evening
digits - basic line				 latenight	
      each 100's			the week
            x				month
            x				year
            x				decades
1000				since birth
1,000,000			20th C
1,000,000,000			19...
				18...
				1700
				1600
				1500
CROMAGNON			eras
40,000				    AD
NEANDERTAL                                           BC
HOMO ERECTUS
HOMO HABILIS 			Pleistocene
				Ice Age
				MIOCENE GAP			yellow-gold, sandy. African hills.

				- an hour
				- a minute
				- a sound
				- a fraction of a second		(***see below)
				- a particular year

numbers along a path
dark charcoal or black
part of its surroundings
       like a trail, not a sidewalk

stops:
       0       10      19
       each decade
       100        120
        200 ------ 300 ------ each hundred
1000
10,000		100,000
		1,000,000
		billion
		trillion
		---------- [symbol for infinity]


everything relates to everything else ~~

like a holograph

weaving in & out
      over & around
                   everything else.

[drawing of a mountain with a path around it, the ends of the path flying into infinity, with numbers plotted along the path]

vanishing point
can't see the other side

numbers don't stand alone all numbers are part of a continuum, they stand only in relation to other numbers

years exist only in relation to other years.

perspective on, say, 1940, varies depending on where it's viewed from. 1940 is different viewed from 2002 than it is from 1972.
but all part of the same continuum.

under each camellia leaf a universe of time & experience.
time in the darkness.

[drawing of a big-small-fat 18]	sometimes see big-small numbers expanding in space. tiny but FAT. -- feel panic-y.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[10 to the 24th power] 		powers of ten & other very large numbers appear grey/silver
				IN SPACE
				those numbers don't belong to earth but to the cosmos.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[drawing of a fraction second]	fraction-second: 
				two tiny grey? points with a tiny universe of blackness in betwen
				often think of them far back - left - in space. like vision of the big bang.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


butterfly
     feet


[drawing of the universe, with earth, sun, moon, and a fraction-second to the far right.
 in between is notation:   x 1,000,000 x  (approx. the minimum distance that fraction-second is from us.)]


03.06.02


		in the dream

	in the dream it was awake
_______________________________

	the spark in the lock
							pebbles masquerade as sand
	.each one. 

	the darkness lit by the spark
	the feel of the gleam

	thumbskin

	dusty slats,
	back of maple




		EDGES
		
an ion,
      or eucalyptus
smoke
         in the chimney

the ravel'd edge of night					(ravel'd wing)

the wind-frayed raven wing
poised on grasstops
	shifts
	back
	into   silent strata

the jaw of the desert

the black edge of yellow

				("does it ever matter who fires the first shot?" - Cheyenne Autumn)

	the brown velvet scent of
	pine-smoked tea

		CANDY CIGARETTES
			&
	             PLASTIC MOTORCYCLES
			&
		the green green grass

TYRONE: It was long ago. But it seems like tonight. There is no present or future -- only the past happening over and over again 
-- now. You can't get away from it. ~ Eugene O'Neill, A Moon for the Misbegotten


	shards of memory light. the forgotten beginning.
	
	cry to remember. pink pink daylight through naptime camellias & old buttons turning to dust beneath the sash.

	concrete donkeys painted bright!

	fences.

finding it. getting it to come. coming to it. valleys of thought, rivers of light, neural rainbows, neural rainbows!

& it's always been. colored scent & textured dreams. purplebrown sex on a saturday afternoon by the river of shadow. 
 this is what the angels see - white falling into blackness. dissolve into numbers. particles of white dissolve to black.
 numbers emanate. ENERGY, black black energy, or maybe a black hole. 0 steady. beginning & end. alpha/omega. smile/weep.
too much, too much, too much, too much. like the fat numbers again, terrifying in their plumpness, in the black eyeswirl.
the comfort of zero, the taste of black & silver. tiny numbers.

i remember what came before.

little boxes of time. tunnels of weeks & days & noontime alleys with chrome. milkglass fantasies. time sashaying through
golden glasslight & coming out pure. the green glass candydish with the butterscotch wrappers, on the mediterranean
table with black iron handles. solid as vision or thought ~ only what is in the moment. in the moment. again, again, in
the moment. lost in the middle of the tunnel of time.


		There is no present or future ~ only the past happening over and over again ~ now.



thick. 


thick light. thickkk. purple is brown is purple = 0. mixing colors with hands, with eyes, with heart. with the memory
 of what was before, and never was. reaching for it. calling it home.

time&spacetunnels.

came first.

millionth-second: a veil of blackness between two points.   (magnetic field)



mexican flowers. the crying Oaxacan mask on red cloth on the wall of the silver Airstream heading south.

textured golden-brown upholstery & yellow drawers of linens. aqua melamine (and coffee brown).
grapes in a plastic bowl.

weary grey.

rattlesnake on the highway beside the creosote bushes in honeyed morning. 

(tucson, marana, baraja, picacho)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Just as the sun shines through a glass - as though divested of body & substance - so the stars penetrate
 one another in the body. For the sun and the moon and all planets, as well as all the stars and the whole
 chaos are in man...the body attracts heaven." ~ Paracelsus


starnumbers


"Nature is the sculptor, she endows every thing with the form which is also the essence, and thus the form
 reveals the essence." ~ Paracelsus

"The earth is black, brown, and foul, there is nothing beautiful or pleasant in it; but all the hues - green, blue,
white, and red - are concealed in it....the noblest and most delicate colors arise from this black." ~ Paracelsus.

"It is our task to seek art, for without seeking it we shall never find the secrets of the world. Who can boast
 that a roast squab flies into his mouth? Or, that a grapevine runs after him? You must go to it yourself." ~ Paracelsus.

"It is possible to tell by the shape, form, and color, and nothing more, the qualities and virtues of each herb
 and root; these are their signs.... Nature shapes the anatomy of a pear in such a way that the pear develops into
 a pear tree; and the same is true of silver and gold. Nature also forges man, now a gold man, now a silver 
man, now a fig man, now a bean man." ~ Paracelsus.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

	spiritual alchemy

	chemical alchemy

	sexual alchemy
	the alchemy of flesh

	the alchemy of silence
	the alchemy of faith
	the alchemy of the empty
	the alchemy of love
	the alchemy of desire
	
	DREAM ALCHEMY
	
	the alchemy of dreams

	the color of knowledge
	the color of history
	the color of time

	of the path & the sphere
	of plane & dimension
	
	the color of the source
	the hue of the creation
	in a bluegreen eye


	the dream of your eyes in mine.



the light under the maple tree, the moss in the grass. black mailbox with a red flag. always been
 always been. pale carport dirt mining rocks with the guidebook. basement paint, workbench, vise.
 the sawdust where the cat hid, and the smell of wood. Dad's hands. the window we didn't use.
 where it all flowed from, where it all went. the yellow light and thick pink paint. boxes & forgotten 
corners only I knew. the fuse behind the door, lonely window. upstairs thick green mexican glass & 
green velvet. iron & glasslight, dark screens. seattle sunshine through glass fruit in a maple bowl. what
 everything is, and was, and will be. butterfly canopy & everything white, but shadows were my 
dream. caterpillar shadows & holly, deodara & oregon grape. the fuschia in the eves. all shadow, 
moist, real.  your eyes. I'd never seen your eyes.

years slide away like summer days. 

bluegreen & brown & gray. the colors of us. what we make together. what it's always been before
 we knew, and what it is now. 


((when the moon fades to blue.))


			poems hidden under the bed ~ time's motionless there.
			when I say "it's dark under the bed" I mean "time's dark under the bed." 
			time. like numbers, dark is closer to zero & infinity ~ they braid themselves into one. 

	(zero, still. what we understand will be.
				
			0 is black ~ past zero, "the blackest black" time stands still, or moves backwards into itself.
			
			0 ~ ouroboros ~ 0 
			
			 Kali, time & blackness & fierce wisdom ~ darkness incarnate. liberator, eternal mercy.


	sleep in the arms of darkness, sleep in time. no fear no fear. it comes to you.


Caput Corvi

 
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